Asking The Hard Questions

Disclaimer : This post is neither funny nor insightful nor inspiring. It’s just me raw – pouring my heart out.

I haven’t been on in awhile because I’ve been mulling around the same questions I seem to always come back to in hope that maybe this time I’ll find an answer I like. There isn’t one. Well there is one, and to borrow a phrase from Gene Edwards “No one knows. Only God knows, and He never tells.” There are just some things that God doesn’t tell. We don’t get to know why, we just have to trust.

I want to know why: why did God put such a strong desire to be married in my heart at such a young age? Why am I the type of girl you marry but don’t date (yeah, I’ve totally been described that way)? Why did I leave my church and all my friends to move out to Cali where I knew no one? And why am I still here? Why is it so hard to make friends in a new place? Why do I have more married than single friends? Why do I have such high expectations? (And no lowering them isn’t an option, because to do so would be to lie to myself). Why do I want to cry because admitting that I just want to be held makes me feel pathetic? Why does doing the right thing have to suck so much? I mean what kind of messed up story is this – I can’t even put it to words, but it just doesn’t feel fair.

I’m tired of hearing I’m beautiful and special and  amazing. Who cares  – it doesn’t seem to make any difference. Honestly hearing those things just makes me all the more angry/hurt/sad (the adjective depends on the day) because if they’re true then why am I all alone? I hate feeling like this. I hate the I’m totally crying as I write this. I hate that I’m no longer content in my singleness, and I hate that I feel it’s wrong to admit that.

I feel like hope has died. It’s just lying there on the table and someone is going to have to defibrillate it to get it going again.

I’ve been missing my Grandma a lot lately. She’s with Jesus. I wish she was here. It’s another thing that isn’t fair. The saddness runs deep because these things were never ment to be. We were never created to die, and we were never created to be alone. We were created for a garden of love and beauty. And my heart still knows that, so the sorrow is profound.

I hardly ever let myself really think about these things beause I end up a tear-stained, sniffly mess like I am right now. And since I don’t know how to solve it i just don’t go here often. I don’t want any advice; I just needed to vent. I needed to cry. And I needed Daddy to remind me that He doesn’t mind my asking the hard questions – and even if He doesn’t answer them, He still cares.

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~ by Shannon on April 18, 2009.

One Response to “Asking The Hard Questions”

  1. I hear everything you said. Uggghhhh…I feel your pain.

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