Moving and Hoping

So it’s a weird night. I’m totally munchy, not even remotely hungry – due largely to the fact that I made myself a delicious dinner of grilled salmon with homemade dill sauce, rosemary potatoes and my favorite salad from my friend MaryAnn. However all I want is chips and fruit. And I don’t really want to go to bed – I’m not tired yet, but my body is exhausted. I tried a new workout today, and my arms are literally dead – as in it hurts to lift them; it even kinda hurts to type here on the couch. And to top it all off, I’m watching my old standby favorite show “Gilmore Girls” – which I have seen multiple times, hence my ability to type while watching it.

I have been at a loss as to what to write about lately since this blog was originally started to chronicle my love life, however one can only write about the lack of love life for so long without sounding like a complete whiner! And as of late I am really trying to focus on new and good things instead of lamenting on the whole guy situation, SO…

I’m moving in two weeks. I’m pretty excited about it for many reasons. Firstly, it is sticky hot in my apartment tonight, and my new place has air conditioning! Now it’s also on average 10 degrees hotter there than where I currently live, but that is simply not the point because in addition to A/C I also get to have a pool! I have wanted an apartment with a pool since I moved to LA! Yay! AND I get to have a pet – I’m getting a dog. Actually I’m inheriting a sweet little dog named Molly, and I am so happy. Ever since my little cat Pandora had to be put down last year I have missed having a pet. Especially since I don’t have a roommate anymore, and as I like to talk aloud I sound slightly less crazy if I’m talking to an animal instead of just myself!

So I’m moving – this will be my 6th move in 3 years! And as my new apartment is much smaller (and cheaper – yay!) than my current one I have decided to go through stuff and purge. I have an extra sewing machine that is ify on when it wants to work, clothes I don’t wear (mostly sweaters and coats), and other random stuff like dollhouse furniture that somehow made it out to CA with me when I moved. This all must go. I’m not really much of a saver – I like to clean things out and organize, but I also have a tendency to think I may need something in the future and then I’ll wish I hadn’t thrown it out. But I am going to be strong and remember that I literally do not have enough room to keep anything not absolutely essential!

My brother is coming to help me move!!!! This is awesome for several reasons; one is that my brother has never gotten to come out and visit me here in Cali, and he really deserves a break from his life – even if it is to help me move. Secondarily, I am glad because in all my moves I have striven to not ask the same people to help me more than once (simply because I have moved so many times in a short amount of time – it seems unfair to ask them more than once), and I was running out of strong guys to ask! So this is all good!

But even more than just the physical aspects of moving to a new place, I’m excited about a new starting a new phase in my life. Now granted I have no concrete idea of what that is going to look like exactly, but if you build it, it will come, right? It’s good because I’m moving closer to some really good friends of mine. It’s good because I’m going to be closer to my church and able to get involved again, which is important to me (more so than I think I realized before). It’s good because I’ve been in a rut, and any change is good. All of this is good – don’t you love my positivity?!
My problem is hope. I am a really hopeful person, but being a hopeful person inevitably leads to disappointment when what you hope for doesn’t happen. But the thing is, never hoping for anything is to live depressed, so you have to have hope. But it’s dangerous. Does one let her heart soar, or does she live guarded? There is this quote I just love from this Indian Elder that goes,

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed for fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being a human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you’re telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy. I want to know if you can see the beauty even when it’s not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life from ITS presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of a full moon, “Yes!”

I want to be that kind of person – that is a person who doesn’t give up on hope. So as I move to a new locale I am hoping that it really does mean a new chapter in my life is starting. I’m not giving up on my dreams. I’m not giving up on what God has told me. I am going to risk being disappointed yet again, because I can. I won’t lie. I have been in a place where I’ve been too sad to even consider hoping for a while now. But I think any time you can hope, where you can actually take the risk, you should. And right now I can, so here’s to moving and here’s to hope!

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~ by Shannon on July 20, 2009.

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